Jason and I really couldn't believe our luck when I managed to fall pregnant with Thomas.
Having struggled with reduced fertility, it had always taken a while for me to fall pregnant, despite taking the fertility drug, Clomid. We had undergone tests whilst trying for our first baby which showed that my hormones were not doing as they were supposed to, so I had been prescribed the drug, which eventually led to my first pregnancy.
From an early age, parenthood had always been something that I had yearned and I felt that it was my calling in life. I had always felt that motherhood was where I wanted to be and to be able to raise my own children (perhaps four, if, whoever I was to marry, agreed).
When I finally fell pregnant, we excitedly turned up for our first scan at almost 13 weeks, eager to see our long-awaited baby, only to discover that the baby was not alive and I had, in fact, had a missed miscarriage. It was so hard to comprehend; we had spent so long trying, we had been overjoyed when it finally happened and all of a sudden it was over again. I had had no inkling that there was a problem, my body continued to carry the pregnancy; I still felt the initial signs in my body that I was pregnant and yet I was being told I wasn't. I was utterly gutted. Perhaps having children was not meant to be for us and perhaps we would never have the pleasure of experiencing it.
After several more months of using Clomid, I thankfully fell pregnant with Lucy. Having an early bleed in my pregnancy left me on tender hooks and every scan was filled with dread, worry and anxiety about what the health professionals might find. Through the pregnancy I worried that I would struggle to bond with the baby when she was born as I would not let myself enjoy the pregnancy, for fear of it being whipped from under my feet. I needed the baby in my arms to believe that it would happen for us.
When that moment arrived, I felt like the luckiest woman on the planet. My loving husband was by my side and I was finally living my dream. There was nowhere in the world I would have preferred to be and I look back on those early years of parenthood with delight. No matter what our future held, nothing could take that experience away. We felt incredibly grateful.
The next couple of years were spent frustratingly trying for our next baby. Clomid was not having the effects that we were hoping for and my body seemed to have hormonally shut down after having had Lucy. Having almost maximised the time considered to be safe for taking Clomid, we had to look at other options. We started to discuss IVF, but prior to starting that treatment, it was recommended for me to try a procedure which was designed to kick-start my hormones. "Ovarian drilling" would involve lasering small holes into my ovaries, with the idea being that, as they healed, they would respond with more normal function. That, combined with another cycle of Clomid, resulted in our first son being born. I was pinching myself, could it really be true that we had been blessed with two amazing children.
To our absolute surprise and delight, we discovered that I fell pregnant with Thomas on my first cycle with Clomid. How did that happen? It felt easy and effortless, and his addition to our family felt so perfect. That is why we really could not believe our luck. I had gone from pinching myself to giving myself regular hard slaps to make sure that we weren't dreaming. Our previous worries seemed to become distant and yet, made us fully aware of just how lucky we were and we were both eternally grateful for what we had been given.
A big question that people may have wondered, would we have gone on to have Samuel had Thomas survived? The answer is, who knows. We try not to live with what-ifs, as they can eat away at us. Personally, I believe we would have tried for baby number four, as I had imagined, but Jason and I had yet to have that discussion before other life-changing events occurred, which set us on another course. What I do know, however, is that it was to take another year of cycles on Clomid and a course of acupuncture for us to welcome Samuel into our family, and, no, we do not plan to have any more children. We will never be complete without Thomas, but we know we are truly blessed with our four.
Even today, I still feel that miscarriage and infertility are not openly discussed and yet, having opened up to people, I know very well how common both those experiences are. I know people are often shocked when they discover our story for the first time, perhaps seeing, as an outsider, a large family who were always meant to be. That feels far from the truth for us.
At no point prior to trying for children had these issues ever been openly discussed with us as possibilities. It was always something that does happen, but not to anyone I knew (I can't believe now that that's true) and when it was, they were distant, unrelatable stories, or even just represented as statistics. I didn't even know that missed miscarriages could happen. The sex education classes at school constantly teach you how to prevent getting pregnant and emphasise very much that pregnancies can result from that "one time". Obviously, the message needs to be balanced, but surely to highlight the common occurrence of miscarriages and the endless possibilities for reduced fertility and infertility should have been part of that education. To have that hope and those dreams of a future shattered month after month are excruciating. To hear friends boast about how they fell pregnant the first time they tried or that they had not even been trying, only added salt to the wounds. Wounds that no one could see, nor did I feel at liberty to show. Society doesn't like to break this taboo and so I hope that this post helps one person to feel that they are not alone and perhaps to open up a discussion among friends and families to break the silence, which can be deafening when it surrounds you.
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