One of the amazing things that Helen House organised for us was a professional family photo shoot. The photographer lived close to the hospice and gave her time for free to come and take photos for the families that used the hospice and then she donated the images. As soon as this opportunity was offered to us, we grabbed it. We have had professional photos taken for all of our babies so this would mean that Thomas was no exception, and we would have more wonderful mementos of our family unit.
This photo is my very favourite photo of all. It is a good photo of each of the children individually as well as reflecting their relationship well. Older sister, Lucy, has her caring arms embracing her younger brothers whilst they are all snuggled on the sofa together. They are in this life together and always will be.
I remember standing to the side whilst the photographer took this photo. Tears rolled down my cheeks seeing them there, interacting together, as I knew that this would be short lived. Whilst we didn't know when Thomas would die, we knew he wouldn't survive very long. Watching them together and caring for each other, filled me with warmth, love and pride but also great sadness to know that there would be a time in the near future when they would never have the chance to do this again.
I felt a huge sense of loss on behalf of Lucy and Oliver. It really hit me that they would be losing their brother, their relationship and their future together. I felt angry that they would suffer such a loss at such a young age when they had done nothing to deserve it. I wanted to protect them from it but the outcome was inevitable.
I felt like I had lied to them too. In the months leading up to Thomas' arrival and since he had been born, we had had countless conversations with them about their new brother, preparing them for where they would go when I went into labour, what he would look like when he was born and what he would be able to do initially. But we had also spoken to them about their future, how they would be able to help/get involved and what they would need to teach their new brother. We had spent time setting their expectations, but this situation we found ourselves had not entered our discussions. Despite receiving tremendous professional help for them, I believe that a little bit of their innocence was taken by it all.
Since Samuel arrived in this family, it really pains me looking at this photo as we will never have a photograph with all four of my children together. I will never have a family snap on the wall which truly represents who we are. Not one photo.
I have stared at this photo for hours since Thomas died. It makes me feel so proud of them all and I feel like the luckiest woman alive to be able to call them my children.
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