Jason had returned to the office the day before and we were starting to settle back into life at home with Lucy, Oliver and Thomas, as a family of five. Thomas had a regular routine for his medication and his feeds and our life was centered around that. We still had no idea when Thomas would die but we had started to look a bit further ahead. Life was still very much in limbo, Thomas had not been expected to be with us still, but here he was, living life, being a huge part of our family unit and other aspects returning to "normal". David had returned to Australia, our dependence upon Helen House was reducing, as we were transferred into the wonderful care of the community nursing teams, we were all now sleeping in their own beds at home, Lucy was at nursery, housework needed doing, and meals needed preparing. This was the way life had always meant to be. I could almost forget that the twenty days we had spent in the hospital and then the hospice had never happened. It had all be a dreadful nightmare, from which we had now woken, to find ourselves carrying on from where we had left off.
Tuesday mornings were time for playgroup. I had taken Lucy and Oliver to this weekly group, with some of the local mums that I had become good friends with over the years. Thomas had been growing inside me over the preceding months, and, with an ever-growing bump, I used to imagine how I would soon be bringing all three of my children there. I would puzzle as to how I would manage getting them all ready and out of the house on my own, but knowing that when I walked through the door of the playgroup I would feel comforted by the familiar faces and surroundings, whilst the Lucy and Oliver would have fun playing, crafting and singing. I used to think of the logistics as a practice to the school run that I would have to be doing in six months when Lucy was starting in full time education. Besides, I loved spending time with some of the mums, chatting over a cuppa, supporting and comforting each other and sharing our highs and lows of parenthood together.
My brother, Nick, who had spent so much of his time caring for Lucy and Oliver during our time in hospital, offered to give me a hand and to take us to playgroup that morning. Due to Thomas' medical needs, our outing was to be strictly timed. I had organised the bag and got the children ready before Thomas' scheduled feed, so when he had finished, I could pile us all into the car and we set off. I had let friends know that we would be aiming to go that morning, so they would get a chance to meet Thomas. So many came that morning and Thomas was, once again, passed from one set of loving arms to another. Each of my friends there had provided us with so much support over the past few weeks, in such different ways, and they had come together, at this moment to enjoy meeting Thomas. I was able to chat through some of our story, share our journey and enjoy their company. I also had some time when I could leave Thomas in their capable hands to spend much needed and time with Lucy and Oliver. I could also take a breath for a moment on my own, looking at the circle of caring friends sat in the middle of this large room, filled with the noise and chaos of the toddlers and preschoolers playing around them, and in the centre of it all was Thomas. This was how it was meant to be, this was where we were supposed to be and this was...well just perfect.
That evening, as Thomas was enjoying a bath with Jason, I was recalling how our day had been, what we had been up to and how amazing it had all been with the three children together at home with me, living the normal, mundane life that I had planned and imagined. "I know we don't know how long Thomas has left with us because we don't know when Thomas will die, but if today was Thomas' last day, then I will be content. He has given us so much extra time with him, which has allowed us to have lived the life I always wanted, and no-one will ever be able to take that away from us. I can't ask him for anymore." Perhaps Thomas heard those words and felt that he had finally got permission to let go, because it was that night that he started his journey to his end.
Comentarios