Whilst most of our memories of our time with Thomas are good ones, there are of course quite a lot that I wish I didn't have. Having said that, it's not that I would want to erase them at all, as they are part of Thomas' story, it's more that I wish they had never happened in the first place. Generally, however, it is the good times that we remember. When I think through Thomas' time with us, I treasure our memories and the warm feelings that gives me inside. I can often sit with those memories mindfully and feel reconnected to him in some way.
There are regularly times when all of a sudden, one of the more disturbing ones appear for no apparent reason. I can be driving the children to school and I'll suddenly feel like I did on the morning of his funeral. I'll be getting tea ready and I'll remember waking to find him lying lifeless and cold in my arms. I'll be reading a story to the children and I'll suddenly hear the doctor's words that no parent wants to hear ringing in my ears. I'll kiss the children to sleep at night and remember my final kiss to my son at the funeral parlour, looking so perfect, still and peaceful. These moments can occur at anytime and be about anything.
When they do arise, I try to practice some mindfulness to bring myself back into the present moment. I have learnt a bit about this supposedly new concept, but I believe that many aspects of it I had been "practicing" without even knowing it. I have found it very useful to keep myself grounded and to help me through the more challenging moments. I think it has a real place for helping people through difficult times, including grief. It is through being mindful of my feelings that has helped me to figure out who I am now, how that differs from who I was before and what that means for me.
Comments