Dear Thomas
Another year has past since you arrived in our world and we met you for the first time. We still miss you terribly. Our hearts still ache. Our tears still roll. Our anger at your illness still rages. Our stomachs still churn. But above all our love for you still flourishes.
This year has been another tough year, full of emotional challenges and deep lows as we continue to adjust to our lives without you here. I have constantly been looking for you through the year, trying to find signs of your presence and to feel you with us. I have lost you from my arms and I want you back. Where have you been?
Where were you when I have been taking your siblings to their activities, walking into the village and heading out to the park? Where were you when we had family days out, when we went camping and when we were on our summer holiday?
Where were you at Christmas, when we were together as a family putting up the tree and decorations, when we left out the mince pie and carrot on Christmas Eve, when we crowded onto our bed to open stockings in the morning and when we sat round the table for Christmas dinner? Why couldn't you be with us for our first with Samuel?
Where were you as we saw in the New Year? How can another new year have arrived, such a stark reminder that marks the passing of time since you were here.
Where were you when your new baby brother was growing in my tummy and was listening to his other siblings' voices and kisses?
Where were you when Samuel came into this world to greet him? You would have been exactly the same age as Oliver was when you arrived. Would you have been as caring and loving to Samuel as Oliver was to you?
How did Samuel end up in the room next door to your's in the neonatal unit? How did we find ourselves back there? Samuel's first exposure to his siblings was not meeting Lucy and Oliver, as we had imagined it would be, but hearing from the lovely neonatal nurse all about you and your time in there. It has been so hard to watch your siblings together without feeling a terrible sense of injustice and deep pain.
Watching Samuel grow these last few months has reminded me about all the little things we did not have a chance to experience with you, things that I hadn't necessarily noticed were missing when you were here. Samuel's presence has highlighted to us the chasm that you have left in our lives.
What would you have achieved in this past year? No doubt the usual milestones in development of speech, learning to walk and generally discovering about this fascinating big world we live in, but would your fight for life and determination continued to shine? Would you still look like a little Lucy and have the same fuzzy hair?
It is all so wrong and not how it was meant to be.
Happy 2nd birthday my dear boy. Wishing we could see your smile on your special day, watch your excitement as you tear open your presents and see the pleasure on your face as you bite into your birthday cake. Know that we are taking the day to celebrate your life and the joy you have and still do continue to bring us.
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