I previously wrote about my separation anxiety from my children, and in particular when Lucy started school. This is still very much the case, but I do get comfort now that Oliver is with her, knowing that they are there together and are able to share the same daily surroundings. They would be able to comfort each other if needed. I no longer feel like I am being forced to push Lucy out on her own during the week.
I often find myself worrying that something bad will happen to either both of them or Jason whilst they are away from me. Jason has got used to me checking in with him whilst he is at work to comfort myself that he is still alive. My rational head tries to convince myself that they are perfectly OK but I still regularly tear myself to pieces thinking that the worst has happened, even if there is only a slim chance. Knowing that bad things do happen and having been through losing Thomas, has made me only too aware that we are not immune from it. What if he is in an accident on the way to/from work, caught up in a terrorist attack or armed robbery, or fallen fatally ill. I need to know that he is safe, as I just don't think I could cope with any more heartache.
I have also had a small handful of times when I have been away from home on my own whilst the rest of my clan have been there. During this time, I have constantly worried that something will happen to them all, a fire tearing through the house or a plane crashing on top of it. I feel anxious that I might never see them again.
I have come to accept that needing extra reassurance is part of who I am now, despite knowing that my previous self would have never have needed this and certainly would not have sought it, perhaps even viewing it as a sign of weakness. I may not like it, but it is what it is. I am aware that my feelings are irrational and paranoid, but they are a direct impact of losing Thomas and can therefore be considered as part of the mark he has left on me, his on-going legacy.
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