I hope that my posts about being a bereaved parent, have given you more understanding about what I mean when I say that I continue to be a mum of four. It is more than just having given birth to four children. Thomas continues to be part of our family. My role as his mother is, and will continue to be, part of my on going parenting of all four of my children. It is almost like I generally forget that Thomas is no longer here because I still continue to be his mum and parent him. It jolts me into a reality check every time someone refers to "my three children", or as Samuel being my third, an instant reminder of my heartache and grief.
I want to share a final example of this mindset that has developed. My grandmother passed away at the end of 2017. During a quiet day in January, whilst the surviving children were at school and preschool, I was reminiscing in my mind about the fond memories that I have of her. One of the memories that sprung to mind, was one that my cousin had subsequently reminded me about. It was at one of our final family get-togethers with her, one Christmas. She was frail, and having suffered a series of strokes, she was easily confused. I was six months pregnant with Thomas at the time, and the subject of the forthcoming addition to the family arose in conversation. Without hesitation, my grandmother referred to the new baby as Thomas! We can only put this down to the fact that it had been one of the names we had banded about when we first had Oliver, as we hadn't even started considering names for the bump at that time. It had obviously stuck in her mind! Anyway, as I reflected on this memory, I smiled to myself and instantly thought "oh I must tell Thomas that story later, as he will find it funny". It was only after a few seconds I realised that this would not be possible because he had died. My brain just hadn't made that connection straight away.
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