One of the enjoyable, although sometimes stressful roles as a parent is to organise each of the children's birthdays. Decisions have to be made ahead of the big days as to what presents to get, what cake to make and what we will do to celebrate the big days. Presents have to be purchased and wrapped, cards have to be written, ingredients have to be bought, cakes have to be baked and decorated, decorations have to be hung and any events organised and booked. These jobs fall down to me because I am their mum. I do this job for each of my children. That role is not something I perform only three times a year for my living children but in fact I perform this job four times a year.
We, as a family, will always celebrate Thomas' birthday. It is one day a year where we can come together and be thankful for him being part of our gang. He has the same importance within the family as any of the other children and therefore gets the same effort and energy in having a big day. We will usually have a gift that has been bought/made in his memory to open in the morning; another treasure that will become part of our home and our daily lives. We will have a family excursion out to enjoy his day and we will all sing Happy Birthday to him around his cake at tea time, before we blow his candles out together.
All of the children are involved in each others' birthdays. They all join in with the hype and build up. Whilst the living children can get involved with practical things, such as helping to write cards (which will always include his name), extra consideration is given by me to ensure that Thomas is included in such occasions. Usually I will ensure that I take something with me to connect him to our celebration and more often than not, he will be mentioned by one of us at some point during the day, in the same way he is most days of the year.
Christmas is a similar situation. Father Christmas will often include little gifts in mine or Jason's stockings that will bring Thomas into our celebration. As the other three children sit on our bed in the morning tearing open the contents of their stockings, we all delight in unwrapping surprises that allow that moment to be shared with Thomas. Included in their stocking each year is a Christmas tree decoration for each of them, with the idea that when they leave home (if I ever allow them) they will have a selection of decorations to take with them to start them on making future Christmases their own. We don't just have the three collections to hang on the tree, but all four of the children have their own. Whilst three of the collections will disappear from our tree at some point, Thomas' collection will remain hanging on our tree indefinitely and will symbolise the unity that our family felt and shared during the children's childhoods. These always serve to include Thomas in the annual ritual of decorating the tree too. The children hang their own collections and together we will hang Thomas'. I will always have a drink to Thomas at some point during Christmas Day, reflecting on the ever growing collections, whilst the children are opening and enjoying their presents around the tree.
Throughout Christmas Day, we have the constant presence of the three living children. Whether it is the noise of them playing, the warmth of a cuddle from them or the sight of them opening presents. Thomas' presence, however, is obviously not there. We do however, always have a candle burning for him through the day. The lighting of the candle provides a pause in the day to focus my parental attention on him and then it continues to serve as a flickering visual reminder of his presence, as well as emitting warmth.
Another major focus of Christmas for us and the children is the food. I will spend time planning and prepping the food for the day and making sure that I have catered for all of my children. Of course, Thomas does not need feeding, but each year since Thomas has died, the way I include him in this aspect of our celebration is by decorating our Christmas cake with a daffodil. The process of decorating the cake ahead of Christmas Day brings him into the build up to Christmas and then each time we cut and eat the cake, we are including Thomas in our family celebration.
Our birthdays and Christmases are therefore celebrated and appreciated by a family of six, with four children, each playing their own unique roles and parts.
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