Life can get pretty hectic in our daily routines and much of my life is filled with mental to-do lists, timetable planning and logistics. I spend energy on ensuring that the children have everything that they need for the day with them; the right books/homework, PE bags, coats, hats and gloves, shoes, sun hats and cream, swim wear etc. I spend time chivvying them up and hurrying them on, to ensure that they are on time for their activities. I spend time ensuring that they are safe, for example, by wearing their seat belts, being warm enough and crossing the road safely. I make sure I can feed them so they don't go hungry and so that they can grow healthily and strong. I ensure that they have clean clothing, either appropriate or necessary to their activities (although Lucy often makes her own choices about what she considers appropriate!). I also, and perhaps most importantly, spend energy ensuring that they know I love them more than they'll ever comprehend.
All of this energy is spent by me, day in and day out, in my role as a parent. It doesn't matter, whether the day is mid-week during the term or whether we are on our long family holiday away from home. The balance of this energy changes through the hours, as well as the days and over the years. There are times when I am entirely focussed on one particular aspect or on one particular child, but this mental capacity I dedicate to them is a direct result of me being their mum.
However, my daily thoughts and energies are not limited to the three that are still alive and the practicalities of their existence. Just as much of my daily mental capacity is spent parenting Thomas too. Whilst he doesn't need the same physical demands, I have continued to give him the same amount of daily headspace as the other three children. The balance for him is different, perhaps with more time and energy being spent on my grief and emotions, but just as much love pours out of my heart for him.
Whether I am caught up in my loss and sadness or taking time to remember and appreciate having Thomas in our lives, there isn't a day that goes by when he doesn't feature. The output of my energy for him can be far more exhausting on the more difficult days, than it is for the others. There have been more days than I care to remember where I have felt so drained by this energy that I have found it hard to find sufficient energy to deal with the others. On these days, I feel like I cannot cope and daily life can be too much. This makes me feel like I have reached my limit when I have simply got Lucy and Oliver to school and picked them up on time, and then fed, watered and put them back to bed. It is because of these feelings, and the uncertainty as to when it will happen, that I have to keep our lives as simple and as commitment free as possible.
In addition, I still see Thomas in amongst my other children when I picture them in my head and I still take my responsibilities of being his mum as current and relevant. The decisions I make as a parent, reflect the interests of all four of my children and they all have equal weighting when it comes to my daily thoughts. I will always include him, as well as the others, in my response to the question of how many children I have, and perhaps feel more of a duty to speak his name, as he no longer can do so for himself, as the others can.
Comentários