When I was five months pregnant with Thomas, I posted the following status on FB to mark Jason's and my anniversary:
"Thank you for the past 15 years, I'm living my dream"
How drastically times changed within a few months.
I really felt very blessed with all that we had got at that time in all aspects of our lives. I was sharing my life with the person I love the most, we had a comfortable roof over our heads, Jason was working towards a new career, and the family that we had yearned for over the years was finally within our reach. I would pinch myself that we had managed to build such perfection in where we wanted our lives to take us.
When Thomas was born that dream became our reality. Having our three children to care for and raise fulfilled our lives in a way I cannot describe. Being able to watch them all grow, not only as individuals but also as siblings. Teaching them to love and care for each other, help each other and share with each other. We also wanted them to enjoy being in each other's company, choosing to spend time together, and to enjoy the time we would spend as a family.
From the day to day activities like mealtimes, bath times, story times, play times, to the planned family days out, weekends away and holidays, we felt complete in who we were and what our family stood for. Even when we were told that Thomas had suffered brain damage and would be facing a future with cerebral palsy, this fundamental dream did not change, even though we knew that the details would.
When Thomas passed away, my dream was whipped from beneath my feet. My job in life was to be a mummy and now I could no longer fulfill my role.
As time passed, it dawned on me that I will never have another opportunity to live future dreams as no matter what happens in my life, however good, one of my children will always be missing. To that end my life has lacked purpose and meaning. I had to find another focus. The only comfort I can find is for me to now strive for my surviving children to be happy, for them to live their dreams and for them to get from life whatever becomes their ultimate goal.
I will always be eternally grateful to have had a moment in my life to have lived and breathed my dream. I am well aware that many do not get that opportunity. That can never be taken away from me. I will just always yearn to have it back.
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