Since Thomas passed away, I have always found it hard to meet new people and make conversation. As I explained, Thomas has become such a fundamental part of who I am and the identity of our family. How can I build new friendships/relationships with people if they have no insight or understanding as to what I have experienced? And yet how do you raise the subject to tell someone that your child has died? After all, they won't have prepared themselves for this, had time to think of a reply or something to say. Do you come straight out with it and risk getting a reaction that you know will only hurt you more? Or should you just keep quiet, brushing it under the carpet and making yourself feel like you aren't doing justice to your son by pretending that he never existed? Of course, I feel that my only option is to raise the subject but I have been left feeling such despair at times when I have done this.
Then there is the very difficult and awkward question that I so often hear, especially when discussing my job as a mother, as to how many children I have. In the aftermath of Thomas' death, the first time this question was posed to me, it caught me by surprise. I hesitated to decide how to answer the question. "Two" I eventually replied. Then came the giggles from the other party that I wasn't sure how many children I had and had taken a while to count them up. I then found myself having to explain myself and my response in a very uncomfortable situation. I made my excuses and left. I sobbed. Not only had I felt saddened by that experience, I also felt like I had betrayed Thomas by not initially acknowledging his existence.
As a result of this and further experiences, I have learnt that the correct answer is that I have three and another on the way. I will then explain that my third child died. I will not deny what has happened to us nor will I apologise to people for this. Is this not the very reason that such taboos exist in our society because people are made to feel that they can't talk about their entire family in fear of another's reaction? I don't mind if it makes the other person feel sad or uneasy, that is also part of Thomas' legacy and it is another way he is still having a lasting impact on people's lives. Maybe it will make that person think about Thomas for a moment, or maybe they will go away and discuss or share the conversation with their friends and family. There is also always the chance that they might want to know more about Thomas - who he was, what happened to him and what impact he has had. Who knows, that conversation might even save another baby's life by raising awareness of GBS or it might give that person the permission to raise their burning desire to discuss the death of their own child.
I have discovered honesty is always the best policy.
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