The loss of Thomas has been keenly felt by Lucy and Oliver in many ways. Yes they were relatively young for them to comprehend the level of emotional loss that Jason and I have felt, but they have had to process it in their own way. They both now have a good understanding of death and with it a fuller comprehension of life and the value of life. They continue to ask questions to help their understanding and they often make observations about their brother and our family structure. They have watched our grief unfold firsthand, bringing us tissues and regularly being on hand to give very much needed kisses and cuddles. They have read lots of books on death, loss and grief and incorporated it into their play. I will never forget waking one weekend morning to the sound of Lucy and Oliver fully engaged in playing "funerals" in their bedroom. It was difficult for us to hear that this was a normal part of life for them but gave us warmth to know that it had had a lasting impact on them in such a positive way.
There is not a day that goes by where Thomas' name isn't mentioned in our house by the children. Whether it is the children saying their goodnights, or the sharing of a memory, or, more recently, the discussions and comparisons of the arrival of baby number four. Oliver probably doesn't remember when Thomas was with us due to his age, but I know that he considers Thomas as much a part of our family as either Lucy or himself. Whenever they talk about sharing things or their role within our family, Thomas is included. Lucy often talks about what babies are like or what they do, because of her memories of spending time with Thomas. It is because of these reasons that I know our next baby will be just as aware that one of his brothers is absent, even though he will have never met him. He will grow up learning that he had a brother he never met but who will always be part of our family and two other very loving (even if a little annoying at times) siblings. It does pain me to know that I will never get the chance to have a moment in my life when all of my children are together, never have a full family get together or event and never have a single photograph of all of us.
That said, the anticipation of the arrival of our next little man is just as joyful and exciting as my previous three children. I really have been enjoying the feeling of him wriggling around inside my tummy, watching him grow and thinking about his developmental milestones he will have been reaching through the pregnancy. I have enjoyed the antenatal classes I have done, spending that time focussed on the new arrival and starting to bond.
We found it incredibly emotional to discover that we had another little boy on the way. I had been so convinced through the pregnancy that we were expecting a girl (although the fact that I have got all my previous guesses wrong should have been a sign!) and I think there was a part of me that wanted a different situation and family structure to what we had lost. Whilst I have every confidence in the medical profession that they will do their utmost to prevent history from repeating itself, I wanted something that I wouldn't have had had Thomas survived. Now we have had a chance to embrace our future, I would like to reiterate that we are having baby number four, being blessed with a girl and three boys. It still pains me so much when people have responded to our news about "baby number three" with "you'll have a girl and two boys". No, that is what we had last time, this time is different.
It has also been difficult sorting through our baby things and preparing them for the new arrival. Opening the drawers of baby clothes, which have been left untouched since Thomas died was hard. So many of the clothes have strong connections with specific moments in Thomas' life. Looking at the layer of dust that had collected over all the baby equipment which had been put in his cot was a stark reminder that time continues to pass since he died and will only continue to do so. It also acted as a reminder that he should have had the chance to grow and to use it all, from the play-nest, the door bouncer and all his lovely toys and gifts - it was ready and waiting for him. Having said that, we don't want to treat Thomas any differently to our other children. By continuing to use his things for the next baby and the other children, as we would have done if he had still been alive, it's another way to keep his memory alive and for him to leave his mark on his siblings and our family. When baby arrives, please keep talking to us about Thomas, keep up the support and let us know you still think of him.
I would like to end by saying that historically, when I thought of grief, I would think of the raw pain of not having someone you love here any more. That absolute desire to touch the softness of their skin, feel their warmth, hear their voice, see them enjoying themselves. Just for them to be present, for you to kiss and hold and for you to know that they are there. Yes this in itself has been an incredibly difficult emotion to experience for my own child, who was so reliant on me mothering him, and even after this time, I still have the yearning for Thomas to be back for this reason. But I have learnt that there is more to grief than this. It has much wider implications. It has not only consumed my life but it has consumed me in so many different ways. Ways that would never have crossed my mind.
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