This continues to be one of my biggest challenges as I continue to grieve.
As I grew up from childhood to adulthood I really analysed who I was and why I was that way. What was it that had made me me and what experiences in my life had given me my opinions? As an analytical person, I would evaluate my reactions to things and my thought processes, giving me an understanding of myself. I built a high expectation of myself in everything I did and would be quite critical if I felt I could have done better. I became proud of my ethics/values and my outlook on life and with it came my confidence.
However over the last 19 months this has all changed and I don't feel I know myself any more. I can't anticipate how I will feel or react in situations. I can't get to grips with who I am. I can't make sense of my feelings. I just don't "get" me sometimes.
I don't believe anyone can go on such a journey and not be fundamentally changed by it but not having a grip on understanding the person you once knew best is a daunting place to be. No one will know how long it'll take me to find my new self but in the meantime I have resigned myself to the fact that I am a different person.
My confidence has been broken as I have lost my identity and am having to relearn a new one. I am now much more emotional and find it very difficult to maintain my stiff upper lip. I find myself more sensitive to people around me, their opinions and their reactions. Things bother me in a way they never used to.
I guess my analytical style hasn't faded too much and I find myself criticising myself when things don't go as I would have expected. I have lost control over how I feel I should be handling things and I am finding this very difficult.
Because of this I am also grieving for the person I once was. I want to regain that control but it's just not there in my grasp. This in itself has only added to the emotions of it all.
Life experiences really do shape our identities and this life experience of ours certainly is doing that as I continue to rediscover my own identity. Because of this, Thomas has become such a fundamental part of who I am and the identity of our family, I feel he has become part of us, which enables him to continue his journey with us, inside us. This is where I feel his presence and his legacy the most.
Commenti