I have been asked on several occasions whether our experience of Thomas' illness has made me a more paranoid mother, worrying more about the health of my other children. At this stage I can't say it has, although this may hit me when I hold our new baby in my arms for the first time in a month or two's time. What it has left me with is separation anxiety from my other children.
Now that I have experienced Thomas being taken away from me forever, I find very similar emotions arising when I have to leave my other children, particularly in situations where I have no choice about leaving them. The most noticeable of these for me is when Lucy goes to school. I obviously know in my head that I will be seeing Lucy again at the school gate at the end of the day, but it still tears me up that she has been forcibly taken from me. I haven't voluntarily taken her there every day of the week. I can't just turn up and check she is ok and give her a hug and kiss. I'm not there to protect her and to help her when she needs it. I'm not allowed to fulfil my role as her mother whilst she is out of my care. I find this really hard.
Obviously the feeling isn't reciprocated by her (!) and I have often found myself in reverse roles with her comforting me and reminding me that she will still be with me after school every day and all day Saturday and Sunday. I find this little consolation though and it makes me yearn for her more. Even my threats of locking her in a cupboard so she can't go haven't dissuaded her from the idea of going to school and leaving her poor mother to fend for herself!
My separation anxiety from my children has become more of an issue again as we prepare for the arrival of baby number four. Not only will I be separate from the older two during my stay in hospital, there was also the possibility that my new baby may have needed to be taken for his antibiotics before I was in a position to go with him. This has caused me many more tears and worries and I am very grateful to the hospital for their understanding about how this has impacted me. They have discussed other options with me and together we have worked out a plan for me to stay with my baby.
Whilst I am aware that my feelings here are irrational, they are a direct impact of losing Thomas and can therefore be considered as part of the mark he has left on me, his on-going legacy.
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